It’s no secret I haven’t been feeling great as of late, my mental health has been up and down for as long as I can remember. It has gotten out of control now. It’s affecting what I do and how I function. Social media and my addiction to an easy dopamine fix, or the need to trawl through people’s pages, accounts, or whatever to compare myself to them, or to just pass judgment has got to stop now.
I take my phone to bed. I look at it when I wake up. I would rather scroll through apps than do my housework, I compare myself to someone on my friends list who seems to have their life together. None of this is any good for me. There were points in my life where I barely even touched my phone! I could leave it in my bag, or leave it untouched and it wouldn’t bother me. Now I feel like I’m missing something! How is that living?
Don’t get me wrong, social media has its positive aspects. You are connected to the world, you can talk to people within seconds. You can share your life with family who aren’t local. You could meet your partner on social media, I met my partner been through Twitter, you can join supportive communities. The possibilities seem endless. But it has its downsides, it has made me feel guilty for being ill, I have been bitter after breakups and stalked profiles, it honestly makes me very, very unhappy 9 times out of 10 as of late!
I run this blog, obviously, and I want to keep it going. I do need social media for that, it’s a very useful tool, I’ve found a community, but I just find myself getting more and more upset while scrolling through the apps. I feel like I’m so far behind when it comes to other people. I’ve just decided to limit my time on Twitter and Instagram, my personal Facebook account has been deactivated, that was the one that upset me the most.
I somehow always find myself scrolling through the profiles of people I know. Comparing my life to how theirs turned out. Some are married, engaged, have children, their dream jobs, and in comparison? I’m light years behind. My mental health issues manifested just as I became an adult, I didn’t know what was going on at the time, and doctors, as well as other people in my life at the time were not as supportive as I needed.
I was met with the “just get on with it” attitude. I tried that, it feels like it sent me backwards. I would struggle with self-harm issues, I would cry daily, my sleep schedule became erratic. Things I enjoyed would seem pointless, I would log into Facebook and view the copious amounts of likes the posts of my peers would get, I’d see them going out in groups and living, whereas I was at home, often in the dark scrolling through my feed.
My history of relationships hasn’t been great. Once they fell apart, I would find myself lurking their profiles, essentially pouring salt into open wounds. In some cases, these people had previously led me on, then blocked me, I’d create new accounts, or in the case of Twitter, I’d just sign out of my account and view their tweets that way. I’ve also checked the profiles of females they have been talking to, just to check that they weren’t romantically interesting in them, you can imagine the pain finding evidence has actually caused me over the years.
Then there are the instances I have gone onto the profiles of my current partners, former partners, this has always been the hardest habit to break. The reasons tend to vary. Sometimes, my disorders have me convinced that I am the rebound, regardless of how long that relationship has been over. They could potentially be harbouring long, dormant feelings towards them. I look at the profiles to compare myself to them. Am I ugly compared to them? Did they look happier with them than they do with me? It has been detrimental to my mental health for such a long time, yet it’s hard to break that habit.
I need to take responsibility for my own actions. I haven’t even slept at the time of writing this post. I wrote it stood in the hallway. If I don’t try to help myself, nobody else can help me.
My usual advice posts will resume, hopefully next week. I just feel it’s just as important to share where I am at mentally too, I know this won’t be easy, it also screams first world problems, but this has to be done. For my sake.
I won’t plug my socials for this post, but I will return to sharing them from Wednesday.
My schedule is: Monday: Mental health, Wednesday: Random topic, and Friday: Video Games.
As with all my mental health posts, I write from the heart and very honestly. I’m an advocate for recovery and I believe it is possible for any disorder. You are not alone.